Tori Noriega Tori is a student at Pace University in New York City and Creative Director/Staff Writer at TFP. You can visit Tori's blog at- www.dailylifeofvictoria.com/
There are always people in your life that either make the most amazing marks or make the deepest cuts. Some of them change your life forever. To the person this is dedicated to, what you did to me, I will never forget, but you were only a teenager at the time. You were a stupid teenage boy that didn't care for anyone but himself. You didn’t care that I was a young, insecure fourteen-year-old girl. You didn’t care that all I’d wanted from anyone at that time of my life was someone to love me. You didn’t care that I just needed someone to tell me they valued me. You didn’t care that you were my first kiss only a week after my birthday. These things all sound so petty to me now, but the scar you left still doesn’t. I’ve come to a point where I’ve learned to forgive it, but I have yet to get over it. Sometimes I tell myself I overreacted and I’m just a sensitive little girl. Then I realize I was fifteen and you had told me that you cared about me deeply. That we were best friends and I meant something to you. A week later I found out that you had been seeing someone else, one of my best friends to be exact, for over a month. You still kept trying to tell me that we had something as she would text you she loved you. You would make me feel on top of the world, then try to pressure me into something sexual. I couldn’t see the signs; I was naively enamored. I don’t know if I actually knew and was in living in my own fantasy dreamland, or if I honestly didn’t know. Let me tell you now, it doesn’t really matter if I knew or not. He was using me either way. I tried to find a spark in someone new. I wanted to get away from you. I wanted to rid myself of you. Except, you didn’t let me. Why would you? I was supposedly your best friend and you couldn’t let me go. You’d grab my ass in front of him “just to prove who you’re really with.” I pinpoint this month of my life as the start of most of my mental troubles until this day. I was treated like an object by a boy who I wanted to love me for myself. Instead, I got someone who told me he wanted me back then threw me to the side once I returned. Then the event that changed it all. The one time that ruined everything for me. The day that ruined almost every relationship I had at that time of my life. An event that I honestly didn’t even want to happen. I’ll never forget the nerves I felt when you first sent me that text. You told me to look up how to do it. I didn’t want to. I really did not want to. We were going to a school retreat before our sophomore year started. Why would I want to do this? I knew my mother would be mad, I knew I would hate it. Now this sounds like we had sex, we didn’t. Every day I thank God I never let him touch me. After this moment, everything had changed. At first I thought “wow, he’ll love me now” but instead I got thrown to the curb, again. From then on everything changed. It sounds dramatic and absurd, but it did. My mother and I fought for months on end, my best friends were leaving me and talking about me and I had lost myself. You didn’t care, because after that you never spoke to me the way you used to ever again. You never treated me the same way. I became no one to you. I can’t explain the pain that made me feel. I can’t tell you the damage it did to me. I can’t tell you the emotional scarring you gave me. I’m nineteen now, almost twenty. I can’t talk to men without getting a shake in my body. I can’t look them in the eyes without feeling like crawling out of my skin. I haven’t been able to have a romantic relationship since those days. Whenever a man talks to me I feel my heart begin to race and tears come to my eyes. No one gets it. They say that I need to let go, but I can’t. I can’t let go of this gripping fear that I’ll be hurt again. That I’ll be used as someone’s play toy. I can’t let go of the idea that someone I truly cared about- loved is too strong of a word- would do that to me. You have no idea how much I have wished I could give myself to someone. To let them in and let them love me. I have wished for years now. When I met a boy, who was wonderful to me, who cared about me. He would have hurt me, I know it, but I would have loved to have given him the chance to make me feel something again. I shut him out and pushed him away. I would try my hardest to keep him close, but my mind would push him away. He was the closest I’d gotten to loving someone. Was it love? No. I’ve never felt that kind of love. I haven’t even felt that kind of love for myself. So, here’s to you, my kryptonite. You caused me more pain than anyone in my life. You tore apart my heart, but it taught me how to put it back together. You’ll probably never see this and if you do, you’ll probably never confront me, but if you do let me tell you this. Thank you. Thank you for ruining me so I could put myself back together. Thank you so much.